How expanding your family can bring old emotions to the surface — and offer a powerful opportunity for growth and healing.
For many people, becoming a parent feels like stepping into a long-imagined chapter of life — one filled with hope, love, and growth. Yet for many, this transition also opens doors to memories, emotions, and questions that have quietly lived beneath the surface.
At The Collective Therapy & Wellness, we see this often: new parents surprised by the emotions that arise when they hold their child for the first time — not only joy, but also fear, sadness, and self-doubt. These feelings can be confusing, especially when they echo patterns from your own upbringing.
Parenthood doesn’t just change your day-to-day routine — it can stir the deepest layers of your attachment system, awaken unmet childhood needs, and invite the opportunity for generational healing.
1. The Emotional Shift: Parenthood as an Identity Transformation
Transitioning into parenthood is one of the most profound psychological shifts a person can experience. You move from being someone’s child to someone’s parent, while still carrying the internalized messages, roles, and emotional imprints of your family of origin.
Case vignette:
When Sara became a mother, she noticed an unexpected wave of guilt every time she asked for help. Growing up in a household where independence was prized and vulnerability was discouraged, she had learned that needing others made her “weak.” Now, postpartum and exhausted, she found it almost impossible to accept support — even from her partner.
Sara’s experience is common. The messages we absorbed in childhood — about worthiness, love, independence, and safety — can quietly dictate how we experience parenthood, often without our awareness.
2. How Childhood Attachment Shapes Parenting
Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, shows that the way we experienced care in childhood influences how we connect and care for others later in life (https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2009/attachment).
Secure attachment in early life teaches trust, emotional regulation, and the belief that love is dependable.
Insecure attachment (avoidant, anxious, or disorganized) can leave us with lingering fears — fear of being too much, not enough, or unlovable.
These early templates can re-emerge as new parents navigate sleepless nights, crying infants, and the overwhelming responsibility of nurturing another human being.
When you’ve grown up with emotional neglect, inconsistency, or high conflict, parenting can unconsciously activate old wounds — a phenomenon known as attachment activation. It’s not a failure; it’s an invitation to awareness and repair.
3. Unmet Childhood Needs & Negative Self-Talk
We all develop internal “rules” about who we need to be to stay connected and safe.
Some early social learnings include:
- “If I’m quiet and helpful, I’ll be loved.”
- “If I don’t show anger, I’ll stay safe.”
- “If I’m perfect, I’ll finally be good enough.”
Parenthood disrupts these rules. Babies demand imperfection, presence, and flexibility — which can clash with old patterns of people-pleasing, control, or self-criticism.
Case vignette:
After giving birth, Miguel found himself constantly worrying about being a “good enough” father. His own father had been critical and emotionally distant. Each time his baby cried, Miguel felt panic and shame, convinced he was failing. Therapy helped him realize that his fear wasn’t about his child’s cry — it was about his own unsoothed inner child.
Recognizing that our inner critic often echoes our early caregivers can be the first step toward rewriting those messages.
4. “Stirring the Pot”: When the Past Meets the Present
Pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period are biologically and emotionally vulnerable times. Hormonal changes, lack of sleep, and new responsibilities lower defenses that may have kept unresolved emotions contained.
This can trigger:
- Resurfaced grief or anger about childhood experiences
- Feelings of inadequacy or guilt
- Struggles with emotional regulation
- Over-identification with (or rejection of) our own parents’ behaviors
This is why many clients say, “I thought I was over that,” only to find old pain resurfacing in parenthood.
This isn’t regression — it’s the body’s natural process of seeking integration. When you have a child, the parts of you that were once a child often awaken, asking for healing.
5. Generational Patterns: What We Inherit and What We Can Change
Families transmit not only genetics, but beliefs, coping styles, and emotional blueprints — sometimes across multiple generations. Psychologists refer to this as intergenerational transmission (https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2021/intergenerational-trauma).
You might notice:
- The same conflict patterns repeating in your relationship that existed between your parents
- Similar roles — the caretaker, the peacekeeper, the avoider
- Familiar emotional themes — anger, silence, or shame
But awareness brings power. The moment you notice these patterns, you gain the ability to choose differently.
Case vignette:
Lina, now a mother of two, recognized she often raised her voice when overwhelmed — just as her mother had. Instead of sinking into guilt, she began to pause, take a breath, and apologize when needed. She reminded herself: “Repair is more important than perfection.” Slowly, her home began to feel different — more open, more forgiving.
Every act of awareness, every repair, every moment of self-compassion breaks a piece of the old pattern.
6. Cultural Considerations: How Background Shapes Experience
Cultural values deeply influence how we understand parenting, support, and identity.
In some communities, collectivism emphasizes extended family and shared caregiving — but may also carry expectations of sacrifice and self-silencing. In others, independence and self-sufficiency are prized, which can make asking for help feel taboo.
Immigrant parents may experience bicultural stress, trying to balance the parenting norms of two cultures. LGBTQ+ parents may face invisibility or lack of family support. Black and Brown parents often navigate systemic stressors that compound emotional load.
These cultural and contextual factors matter. They shape how comfortable someone feels expressing vulnerability and seeking help.
At The Collective Therapy & Wellness, we approach perinatal and family therapy through a culturally humble lens, acknowledging that healing must consider both personal and societal layers of experience.
7. Healing as You Parent: The Dual Process
Healing while parenting is both possible and powerful. The act of nurturing your child can also nurture the parts of you that once went unseen.
Steps that support your own healing:
- Notice the pattern without judgment. Awareness is change beginning.
- Name the inner child’s need. Ask: “What did I need back then that I didn’t get?”
- Practice self-compassion. Speak to yourself the way you would to your baby.
- Seek connection, not perfection. Good parenting isn’t flawless — it’s responsive and repair-oriented.
- Work with a therapist. Exploring family-of-origin patterns with a trauma-informed clinician helps integrate new awareness safely.
8. Reflection Prompts for Self-Awareness
Try journaling or discussing these with your partner or therapist:
- What messages did I learn about love, anger, and vulnerability growing up?
- How do those beliefs show up now in how I parent or relate to my partner?
- When do I feel most reactive or fearful — and whose voice does that sound like?
- What would “breaking the pattern” look like for me?
For structured self-reflection support and planning, feel free to download our free support plan.
Post-Birth Emotional Support Plan
9. When to Seek Support
If you notice recurring guilt, shame, or difficulty connecting emotionally — especially when triggered by parenting moments — therapy can help.
You don’t have to wait until you’re in crisis. Family-of-origin work, attachment-based therapy, and trauma-informed counseling can help you develop awareness, healing, and flexibility.
At The Collective Therapy & Wellness, our team of licensed therapists provides integrative care for individuals, parents, and couples navigating identity shifts and generational healing.
10. The Opportunity for Generational Healing
Parenthood doesn’t have to be a repeat of the past — your parenting journey can rewrite it.
Every time you pause instead of react, nurture instead of neglect, or repair instead of shame, you’re teaching your child (and yourself) a new way of being.
Breaking generational cycles doesn’t mean condemning the past. It means acknowledging what was missing and consciously choosing to give more — to your children and to yourself.
References
- American Psychological Association (APA): https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2009/attachment
- APA on Intergenerational Trauma: https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2021/intergenerational-trauma
- National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine (NICABM): https://www.nicabm.com/healing-intergenerational-trauma/
- Postpartum Support International: https://www.postpartum.net/
- Harvard Health: https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/postpartum-depression-what-you-need-to-know-2021031922028
- Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, Fairbrother et al., 2019
Read the Series:
- Part One: Preparing Emotionally for Life With a New Baby
- Part Two: How Birth Partners Can Support Emotional Well-Being During Pregnancy & Postpartum
- Part Three: Understanding Perinatal and Postpartum Mental Health
Disclaimer
This article is for educational and informational purposes only and not a substitute for medical or mental-health treatment.
If you are struggling emotionally during pregnancy or postpartum, reach out to your healthcare provider or contact:
- Postpartum Support International: 1-800-944-4773 or text HELP to 800-944-4773
- Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 (24/7 support)